14

This 'first' was one I was prepared to keep trying until I got it right.  Even if that meant over and over and over and over again...

 

Have you ever tried to make the perfect classic martini, like you see in the movies?  I'm not sure I'd ever even consumed one.  Oh, I've occasionally tried fake ones – the Appletini, the Choclatini – drinks that would make James Bond retch.   But a real martini?  I know there's gin in there, and I recognize the glass, but that's where my need for a bartender comes in.

Luckily, we have the internet.  I found an article entitled "12 Steps to the Perfect Martini."  (I know - I'm sure it's just a coincidence that it's 12 steps.)  I had no idea it almost takes a chemistry degree to mix a drink.  But I'm up to the challenge.  And also thirsty.  Good thing it's almost noon; don't want the neighbours talking.

First, get the vermouth out of the fridge.  (Did you know that vermouth is a perishable?  Once it's opened, it needs to go in the fridge - seriously.)  Apparently, a capful is all you need.  That seems a bit stingy.  I used extra.

Now take your glass pitcher or metal shaker out of the freezer.  That seems to be the trend.  Everything comes from the fridge or freezer.  The liquids, the ice, the glass, the pitcher.  No room for food – the appliance can now only hold booze and the necessary accoutrements.  (This is not as practical as it sounds.)

I actually don't have a metal shaker, or a glass pitcher, so I improvised.  I found a tall glass container in my pantry that would suffice (I wrapped my spaghetti in plastic wrap temporarily).

Put ice cubes in the pitcher – lots of them (about 7 or 8).  In goes the vermouth, coating the ice cubes and the bottom of the pitcher.  Swirl it around a little and then strain the pitcher over the sink, so any excess liquid drains.  It's a little sad to think of pouring vermouth down the drain, but I promise, very little comes out.

Get the gin out of the freezer and pour 2 shots into the pitcher.  Because I'm using glass here, we stir, rather than shake.  (Sorry, 007.)  Apparently it's something to do with friction from the ice causing a chain reaction of cold, and there has to be some ice melt dilution.  (Okay, okay, whatever.)  And you knew this was coming.  You're just supposed to swirl gently – you don't want to "bruise the gin".   We've all heard that phrase a hundred times – no one ever says what it means.  It certainly says nothing in this web article.  I'm assuming there are university courses that cover the subject fully.

Now, you set the pitcher down and put on a Frank Sinatra CD.  Well, that's what Instruction number 6 says...  A martini tastes better with background music.  Fine.  Makes perfect sense. (??)  But since it's still technically Christmas, I'm putting on a Sinatra Christmas album.  (Hey - I'm doing this 'My Way'.)  Luckily, for someone out there I know, the instructions specifically state that Dean Martin is also acceptable.

Swirl the pitcher again.

Now put out some cocktail peanuts.  I have to be careful with Instruction number 8.  I like peanuts, but they don't like me very much, and that's all I have to say about that.

Swirl the pitcher some more.

Grab a jar of green olives from the fridge – sorry if you hate them, but they are not optional.  You're supposed to poke out those little red things.  Then you stab two olives with a toothpick (through the sides, not through the core, as I found out).

Swirl the pitcher yet again.  I'm getting carpal-tunnel here...

Finally.  The martini glass comes out of the freezer.  Strain the martini from the pitcher into the glass, and drop in the olives, which immediately sink to the bottom.

Time for the taste-test!  I lift the glass, with my non-stirring hand, and take a sip.  And then I realize – I have no idea what this is supposed to taste like.  But as with art, I don't know what's good, I just know what I like. And I've decided I like it.  (Either that, or my throat is so numb from the cold, it could taste like turpentine and I wouldn't be any the wiser.)  I think the olives are supposed to be eaten last.  I quite like them right from the jar, but I must admit that a nice gin bath improves them significantly.

I did draw upon some past experience for this...Many, many, many years ago, when I worked behind the candy counter in a movie theatre (actually, at several of them), I became a bit of a legend for my ability to make the perfect Swamp – a very careful mixture of every soda that came from the fountainhead, in specific amounts, in a specific order.  I finished off by shaking gently.  And I always warned my customer to insert and use the straw with caution.  One does not want to bruise the ginger ale...

One Thing That >50 Me Has Learned Along the Way...

If you are a pet owner, or you are planning to become one, then it is your responsibility to make sure you have at least one "godparent" for your pet(s).  What happens if you (and your partner, if applicable) unexpectedly pass away?  What happens to your dog/cat/fish/whatever?  Back to the Humane Society?  Flushed?  It won't be your decision – you won't be there to look out for Fluffy/Fido/Bubbles.  Plan ahead!  I had a friend once who talked about getting a dog upon retirement - to walk, for the exercise.  First of all, not the best reason for getting a pet.  Second of all, said friend had a history of health problems.  I wondered what would happen to the pooch if my friend left us permanently, much sooner than any of us feared to imagine.  Tragically, that's exactly what happened.  Dealing with the friend's collection of fish was a big enough chore for his closest relative – thank goodness, no other living creatures (well, not pets, anyway)...  So consider carefully before you give Grandma or Grandpa 3 kittens as a gift.   Because at some point in the future, you will suddenly acquire 3 adult cats.