"Too old and fat to even be trying this."
The
problem with most forms of exercise is that you have to be in good shape to do
them. Running, spin class, Pilates,
golf. Well no, not golf. All you need are plaid knickers, an elitist
attitude, and off you go. But many other
exercises are just a heart attack waiting.
I
thought it would be interesting to take a yoga class. I know nothing about yoga. But I already own a pair of yoga pants in a
darling shade of pink, and they are sooooooo comfortable. That had to be a good sign, right?
Well
at first, all went reasonably well. I'm
in this studio-size gymnasium-type room, after meeting the super-nice
teacher. I unwrap a ½ centimetre thick
yoga mat onto a hard wooden floor, but there's tons of blankets and giant
pillows everywhere. It looks like
a slumber party with several complete strangers. Then suddenly we're folding up the blankets
to support and raise various parts of the body, so other parts can stretch
unnaturally. It's complicated - I have
to listen and watch carefully to see exactly what I'm supposed to be
doing. But at least I'm lying down. My rib cage is poking up well above my chin, but
other than breathing, not a lot of effort so far. Then after a couple of different positions,
it's up and over to the wall. I don't
like the looks of that wall. Everything
there seems frightening, in a medieval torture sort of way.
There's
this device – it looks like padded swing-seat, with belts that attach to the
wall by karabiners. All I have to do is
settle my hips into this thing, walk my bare feet way up the wall, bend my
knees, and fall over backwards. I am
then to hang there upside down for about 5 minutes. As the blood drained into my face, and pounding
started in my ears, and disorientation set in, I began to wonder – how in God's
name am I going to get back on to my feet? I am in no position to click my heels 3
times... Luckily, the super-nice teacher rescued me.
Can't
say I'm much of a fan of the Downward Dog pose.
I kept getting this excruciating cramp in the back of my right
foot. Bad dog! Baaaaaad dog!
But
I made it through the class. And I
actually enjoyed it. I have to admit, my
body did feel more limber, with a nice energy flow, like all the toxins had been
released. As I headed home, I walked
back to where I had parked my car in a mall - right next to a McDonald's. No, I didn't give in. But I can tell you this – when your toxins
are low, yes -- you do want fries
with that....
One
Thing That >50 Me Has Learned Along the Way...
If aliens ever do
visit Earth, there is zero point trying to communicate. We have nothing to say that would interest
them. They are just here to eat our
brains. It's pretty much the only thing
Hollywood has ever gotten right. The
best and only strategy would be, get them before they get us. Which almost certainly wouldn't be possible
with their infinitely superior technology – they fly a million light
years through the frozen void of space, and we're not supposed to go 4 months
without an oil change. So prepare to
meet your Maker with as much dignity as you can. Why do we keep sending out our little drone
spaceships to find them? At least it's
Stephen Hawking footing the bill now, but seriously, why are we putting out a
welcome mat for the Borg?
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